By Abby Stilwell  

It is likely very rare that any equestrian, no matter the discipline, has navigated the highs and lows of life with horses without ever experiencing self-doubt. Sometimes these are fleeting moments, and sometimes they can feel significant enough to make you consider stepping away altogether. Recently, I experienced something that seemed to combine both. 

After a winter of training with my young horse, balancing life as a working professional and mother, I set off to a horse show six hours away from home to put all that hard work to the test. As always, I had high expectations for myself and set some goals that I felt were reasonable. The significant cost of showing means I don’t have a million chances to get it right, so I need to make the most of the shows I attend. I believe shows are the culminating project to showcase our hard work and measure progress. 

Initially, in an effort to save money I had planned to be “self-coached” at the show; however, the others from my barn weren’t as comfortable with that, so we all agreed to fly in a coach. Well, the first day of the show, I went out into the jumping ring (set at a height two levels below the height I had intended to show at) and damn near fell off. No kidding. My horse was a little spooky and the ride I gave him was thoroughly amateur. We chipped into fences, over-jumped fences, ran out on a line, deer-hopped a couple, and at one point my air vest almost inflated simply because I was so far out of the saddle. As I left the ring, I couldn’t help but imagine what my coach, someone I’d never ridden with before, was thinking: What is this woman doing riding a young horse? How delusional is she to think she can compete at a higher division? I flew across two provinces for this? I was so embarrassed and disappointed in myself, and worst of all, I felt the overwhelming guilt of letting my horse down. 

That evening, a cascade of thoughts came rushing in: Why am I doing this? Is this sport worth bankrupting my family (only a slight exaggeration)? Maybe I shouldn’t be training and riding young horses? Why do my goals appear to be getting farther and farther away? Perhaps being a competitive rider isn’t in the cards for me? Self-doubt was seeping in from all angles. I had a few private tears with my horse in his stall and debated packing it all in. 

Luckily for me, my barn family was there surrounding me with positivity and my family at home remained supportive. I called my husband that night and he simply said, “Well, there’s nowhere to go from there but up. Tomorrow is a new day.” So, instead of dwelling in self-doubt, I chose to celebrate the good rides of others that day, and to forgive myself for my own performance. 

The show went on, and each day was a little better. By the second-to-last day I was riding much more like myself, and my horse was navigating the courses with increased confidence. Anyone who knows horses understands that they feel our emotions tenfold. It’s likely even more pronounced with a young horse who is looking for guidance and reassurance. The last thing my horse needed at this show was for me to be radiating self-doubt. When I sat up and rode with intention and confidence, he responded in kind. 

How can we hold on to that feeling every time we ride? The truth is, we’re human after all and sometimes our emotions simply feel overwhelming. But perhaps the first step lies in cultivating self-awareness and approaching each ride with a positive mindset. 

My biggest takeaway from that show experience is that self-doubt can seep into every corner of your being, eroding confidence and undermining our best intentions. If you fuel it with more negative thoughts or surround yourself with unsupportive people, there is potential for self-doubt to take over. But self-doubt has no place in the saddle. I recently listened to a podcast with David O’Connor, during which he said, “We are our horse’s guardians.” That really stuck with me and helped me realize that we owe it to our horses to navigate situations with poise and confidence, to guide them through our man-made situations (competitions, trailering, etc.) in a way that builds trust and strengthens our relationship. I could have blamed my horse for being spooky that first day; instead I chose to blame myself — but neither option moved us forward. This realization has led me to acknowledge the power of self-awareness and mindset — the importance of acknowledging and taking control of our own thoughts. 

Whether you’re riding recreationally or competing in a discipline there will be days that go incredibly well and days that don’t go at all as planned. That’s life with horses — maybe it’s just life in general! What I slowly came to realize is that the key lies in managing the one thing I can control — my mindset. Don’t let yourself get pulled down by self-doubt or negative thoughts that serve no productive purpose. Choose to seek out the positive aspects of each situation, surround yourself with good people, and always remember that there’s no room in the saddle for self-doubt.

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