By Abby Stilwell 

Grief and loss are hard concepts for many of us to wrap our heads and hearts around, yet sadly they’re a part of reality. As horse owners, it is likely that one day we’ll find ourselves experiencing the heartbreak of losing an important equine member of our family. Recently, this reality hit me hard when I had to make the incredibly difficult decision to put down a beautiful, young filly I had purchased only 18 months before. With the loss of her came some big emotions I wasn’t fully prepared to handle.  

As I sat in this sadness and reflected on the grieving process I am currently immersed in, I decided to try and put these thoughts and emotions into words.   

It seems there are many factors that can influence how we process the loss of a horse. These might include the horse’s age, how long you had known them, and the specific circumstances of their death. Other factors include whether you have other horses and how much this loss disrupts your daily routine. Financial elements, such as insurance coverage, may influence the emotional impact as well. And finally, your personal history with grief and past experiences of loss will inevitably shape your response. 

In my personal and recent experience, I had purchased this filly as a weanling. She crossed two provincial borders and travelled nearly 25 hours to get to me. I drove 10 hours one way to meet her in Calgary and bring her home. The moment I laid eyes on her sweet face, and she calmly stepped out of the horse trailer, I was in love. I already owned her half-brother and was thrilled that this gorgeous grey, warmblood filly was joining my family. In the coming months, my love grew ever deeper. Her temperament was surreal. She handled everything like an 18-year-old horse, not like the baby she was. Looking back, she was an angel walking on earth, and too good to be true. 

One day I arrived home to find her injured in the pasture, unable to move. In my heart I knew it was bad the moment I walked up to her. While I waited for the vet to arrive, I stood with her in the dark for three hours, keeping her comfortable and soaking up those moments together. It turned out she had a broken leg. Surgery wasn’t an option for me financially, and so we did what we could to keep her comfortable, deciding to attempt stall rest and see if perhaps her leg would start to heal well enough that she could possibly be a broodmare someday. This went well for a little over a week. Then, on day 10 I found her down in her stall, sweating, clearly in pain, and at that moment I needed to make a very hard decision. The hours and days that followed were excruciatingly hard. 

In situations like this, you may find yourself unexpectedly experiencing emotions such as disbelief, anger, numbness, and guilt. I found guilt to be one of my strangest emotions during that time. Why? Because I was devastated at the loss of my horse, knowing how many other people in my community were suffering unimaginable losses: a husband lost to suicide; a mother and her son killed in a car crash; a young mom battling breast cancer for the second time; and the list goes on. I guess what this emotion taught me was the power of perspective. It was okay for me to feel devastated and sad, but by putting my situation in perspective I was able to avoid feeling sorry for myself and start taking steps forward.  

What Healing Taught Me 

• Remember the positive things this horse brought into your life. Forcing your brain to focus on gratitude will help prevent you from going down a negative path that doesn’t nurture healing.  
• Create a memorial. This may not be for everyone, but creating something to help remember the horse can be therapeutic. For me, a memorial serves as a reminder of the happiness she brought into our lives in her short life. Creating a memorial also gave me something to be actively working on.  
• Talk about it. It’s important not to struggle alone. Find people to confide in and share how you’re feeling. One of the things I did after the loss of my filly was to create a Facebook post. Writing it was therapeutic for me and then reading all the kind and empathetic comments from friends was also special.  
• Time heals. Although it seems cliche, it’s true that with the passing of time, the hurt does subside. The sting isn’t quite so sharp, and you’re eventually able to move forward. 

Death is one of the only certainties of life. Losing a horse, no matter what the circumstance, is incredibly hard, but choosing to own (and to love) horses almost always guarantees that at some point we will have to say goodbye. As equestrians, we are not alone in this. But how lucky are we that we get to enjoy that special connection with a living creature as beautiful and special as a horse?  

More from North Country Equestrian with Abby Stilwell

Main Photo: RSH Taylor, my special filly