By Abby Stilwell

Why not get back into riding and competing while balancing a full-time job and raising two young boys?

That’s what I thought when I chose to purchase a young horse as a gift to myself after completing my Master’s degree. After a 15-year hiatus, it felt like the perfect choice to help me rediscover my heart and my happiness through equestrian endeavours. Well, to be honest, it worked like a charm in terms of finding my heart again; however, in terms of being viewed as a loving wife and invested mother, it left a few gaps.

The comments — and the realization of the weight of this renewed commitment on my passion and rediscovering myself as an equestrian — started small and grew. The sting has gotten a litte sharper over the years, and I am not oblivious to the judgement of other moms viewing my choices from the sidelines. Even my own family questions the hours and the dollars that flow steadily, allowing me to live this lifestyle.

“I would never miss my child receiving an award at their assembly.” — Random mom

“If your mom didn’t have horses, we could go on that vacation.” — Husband

“Oh, I don’t have time for those types of things for myself. My kids keep me way too busy.” — Random mom

“Your mom can’t make it to your practice, because she has a riding lesson.” — Husband

“My mom spends all our money on her hobby.” — My child

Well, you know what? This might not be the popular opinion, but this is my life, too. I am not willing to give every waking minute to everyone else around me and hold nothing for myself. So, as I navigate these waters of motherhood, marriage, working professional, and equestrian, I have come to a few realizations.

After completing my Master’s degree, I returned to horses after a 15-year hiatus. Purchasing a young horse as a gift to myself proved to be the perfect way to rediscover my heart, happiness, and passion for equestrian life.

1. Balance isn’t about equal time, it’s about intentional time.

In so many facets of life, we all strive to find this mystical element of “balance.” Only, it turns out, balance is in fact a little bit like the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. It sometimes feels within reach, but you’re never actually going to find it. Instead, I have found it more tangible to identify the ebbs and flows of each priority in my life. Some things will require more time and energy for a short period of time, and then things will shift and something else will require more.

My best advice is, instead of trying to give everything your equal attention, identify what/who will require your energy and when. It’s kind of like a triage approach — determining the most critical priorities on any given day, week, or month.

For example, during the week while school is in session (I am a school principal), my time from 7am to 5pm is dedicated to my career. In those hours, I pour my heart and soul into my school and the people in it. Then, during the evenings, I know that my family and my horses are going to take priority, so I turn off my email and shift my focus. Depending on the night and what extracurricular events are going on, I carve out a couple of hours to work with my horses on identified goals (i.e., fitness, improved lateral work, jumping gymnastics, etc.). Fortunately for me, my husband is incredibly involved and does lots of running around and coaching our kids’ sports, which is incredibly helpful. Then, on my horses’ rest days, I can find time to attend sporting games or make a special meal for the family. There are certain seasons of the year when I prioritise my riding goals more than others, for example: the summer show season. In the winter months I find more time to sit in the hockey arena cheering on my kids

Again, this isn’t a perfect formula, but I have found that intentionally recognizing when you can give more of yourself to certain things or people allows you to actually achieve more. Balancing the demands of life isn’t about equality; it’s about intentional prioritization.

2. Let go of other people’s opinions

So much of the pressure and guilt I have felt from being labelled as selfish has come from unsolicited opinions and judgements of others — from family members, friends, and random people making comments about me choosing to do things for myself. Perhaps these comments are coming from a place of jealousy or that individual’s own unhappiness. Perhaps they’re coming from a place of genuine care and concern. Either way, I have learned the hard way that internalizing and holding on to the opinions of others can weigh you down and ultimately serves little to no purpose. Sometimes it’s helpful to acknowledge the opinions or comments being made and reflect (briefly) on them, but those opinions can’t become your own internal dialogue.

Perhaps this comes with maturity, but to be honest, it has required some really intentional self-reflection and practice to not let the opinions of others take up too much space in my mind.

I can’t explain why, but there seems to be so much shame placed on mothers in particular who prioritize things above their children. Well, my love of horses and being an equestrian doesn’t mean I love my children less. It means that by spending time investing in something I love and am passionate about, I can show up as a happier version of myself for my kids.

3. Joy isn’t selfish, it’s contagious.

You know the feeling you get when you’re around someone who’s truly happy? Someone whose positive energy seems to light up every room they enter. That kind of joy is contagious, and it’s the kind of presence I strive to bring into the lives of those around me. Most of all, I want to be that person for my husband and kids. I’ve come to realize that when I spend time with horses and actively pursue my equestrian goals, I become the happiest, most fulfilled version of myself. My hope is that my children look back on these years and see a mom who chased her dreams, not out of selfishness, but driven by passion, purpose, and love. That they find inspiration in my actions and understand the value of setting goals and prioritizing joy. After all, joy isn’t selfish, it’s contagious.

So, to every parent out there juggling the chaos, I hope my words offer a glimmer of hope and a gentle nudge to pursue what sets your soul on fire. Chase your equestrian dreams, whatever they are, not in spite of being a parent, but because you are one. The line between “selfish mom” and “role model parent” is often drawn by others, blurred by perception, and shaped by intention. So, while others cast judgement, I’ll be busy living a life I’m proud of, hoping my children find inspiration in the way I choose to spend these precious moments on earth.

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