How Horses Helped Me Find My Heart Again

By Abby Stilwell  

As some of us are lucky enough to experience, I grew up with horses. In fact, my mom continued riding while pregnant, so I was feeling the beat of a horse’s footfalls before I could breathe oxygen. As a child I spent hours upon hours with my ponies, and as a teenager my horses silently listened to my worries, caught my tears, and taught me how to manage my emotions. 

Growing up I enjoyed a challenge and loved finding ways to connect with a variety of different horses. My dad used to take in horses for breaking to earn some extra money, and I would secretly make it my own challenge to ride those horses before he did. I was minimally supervised and equestrian safety wasn’t a priority; by some miracle I was never injured doing this!  

At age 15, riding a cross-country course with my gelding, Copper.

I read horse magazines as though they were my bible, and although my family couldn’t afford to make all of my equestrian goals come true with expensive horses and admission to a private equestrian school (even though I begged), they gave me every opportunity they could. At the age of 11, I began riding a barely-broke three-year-old gelding that my grandpa had purchased at a local auction mart, and with this horse I fell in love with jumping. As a side note, he was one of the horses I successfully (and secretly) rode before my dad. I was fortunate to bring that little auction mart horse up through levels and by the time I was 16, we had done the 1.10m jumpers, training level eventing, and even competed at the Alberta Summer Games. I should add that he was not an easy horse. He had a hot temperament and minimal trust in humans (I assume now that he likely came with some trauma), but I poured my heart and thousands of hours into that horse. It was with him that I planned to make all my dreams come true. 

Enter boys, partying, university, bills, and well…life. With the addition of these things was the deletion of another — horses. I went from riding every single day to not at all. Before I knew it, I was married with a teaching job, owner of a small house in town, and had gained probably 50 pounds (eating whatever I wanted quickly caught up with me). Occasionally, I would go visit my horse, Copper, who was now just enjoying pasture life at my parents’ house, but I couldn’t fit into any of my riding clothes so I just completely avoided riding. One of my faults has always been that if I can’t do something “all in” then I don’t want to do it at all. So, life carried on. My husband and I built a house, had two kids, and I pursued administration, getting a job as an assistant principal.  

Life was great, but something was missing. Once or twice a year I would dream that I was riding or jumping, and I would wake up feeling an immense sense of sadness, knowing that I would likely never again experience that feeling.  

Fast forward to 2019: I’m 34, finishing my master’s degree, and decide to do something a little crazy — to purchase a young horse as a gift to myself for all my hard work. On a brisk March morning, I convince my dad to come with me to look at a halter-broke three-year-old Trakehner gelding, and without much more thought, I write a cheque and load my new gelding into a horse trailer. You know how there are certain moments in your life that completely change its trajectory? Well, this day was one of those for me. 

At 36, galloping my Trakehner gelding, Destin.  

These past six years have been some of the happiest years of my life; that horse truly helped me find my heart again. I should note that this shift back into riding after more than 15 years away has had its challenges. I have been humbled so many times since taking up riding again. What was once so easy and natural is suddenly hard work. And you know what? I actually love it! I love that my kids get to watch their mom doing something she loves, and more importantly, they see just how hard I have to work at it. 

I never want something to come between me and horses ever again. I feel sadness and guilt that I let life, in particular my comfort with my own body, stand between me and this passion. My inspiration for writing this article was initially just to put this healing journey into words, but my intention in sharing it is to inspire others — to encourage them to “gallop back” to themselves. Whether it’s to get back in the saddle after time away, or to never let life take them too far away in the first place, I hope my story reminds people of the powerful connection between humans and horses.  

You can’t get time back, but you can make the most of the time you have. Riding horses is an honour and a gift, not to be taken for granted.  

More from North Country Equestrian with Abby Stilwell

Main Photo: At age 38, competing with my Trakehner gelding, Destin.